The new boss in town: the Heart

Today I made a decision to review the Open Heart seminar. I totally didn't expect it! As most things... I have never really been prepared for things, and I certainly don't expect things to go bad when they are good. As Martine consoled me, as I cried that I was not good enough (untrue), or that I can't do it (untrue), that I haven't learned anything (super untrue), that I'm right back where I started 3 months ago (really untrue), that I had fears (ok that one's true) about being judged, being compared, losing approval, not caring about my money, anyway, as you can see, I have a lot of emotional things to settle, limiting behaviours to erase or unlearn, things to let go of, things to accept, such as me: accepting and forgiving myself... 

I am so aware of all this now! How did I not see it before?? It's like Martine put it (as she got it from Lyse), a story that depicts the mind vs. the heart: you own a Dep, but you've been away for 30 years, and you come back and it's a mess! the current manager (metaphor for "the mind") thinks it's got the situation handled, but the ways in which he works are totally opposite what you'd do. This manager sees his store as if it's running smoothly, and you can see now from an outer perspective, that you could be making a helluva lot more profit, by cleaning it up, changeing the management, changing the staff, changing the methods... it's still the same store, but with the heart in charge, man is it going to flourish!! And I guess the store is a metaphor for the body! Hehe, it's a nice story, huh?


So I'm going back to the seminar - to complete my Leadership Course. I'll get back and see it from a different perspective. And more importantly, I'm making a decision that puts my heart back in charge of the store. The mind can have its 9-5 desk job back, do the analysis, design and mathematics, and leave the other stuff for the new boss in town, the heart. My heart and my Self.

This is a beautiful end (of my Open Heart experience) to a beautiful beginning (that is my happy life).

The blog's first "What's So" : a Current-reality reality-check

Dear Internet,

I know I don't have readers, and actually this blog is actually my online diary. In a recent course that I did, last April 2014, I realized a lot of things about me, about my past, about my parents, and understood a lot about why I am the way I am, what I've been lugging around (behavioural patterns) and how I can clean myself right up to be this bright brand-spankin'-new me out in the world, as if for the first time. 

The point is not to heal by learning something new but by unlearning limiting behaviours... Something like that - I saw this quote on a site about meditation, that I really liked. This seminar that I did focused on psychological patterns that humans have, and looking into our parents identities to see if we have strings in common, then acquiring tools to allow us to deal with those things, and let the past go. Take a decision to be your own person now.

I know I've had issues being my own person in the last months....years...my whole life, really. I don't remember many times when I stood up in front of a crowd speaking my mind on my own free will, or when I stood up for myself after being made fun of or verbally agressed, or when I didn't let that shit fly before it even happened, or when I stood up for someone else without thinking of the consequences. Somewhere down the line, I lost my sense of self, and only now am I trying to get it back.

I probably lost never really had a sense of myself... In this culture, I don't think that mindfulness and body awareness are taught. At least, a few months ago, the only thing I was listening for in my body was hunger or need to use the bathroom. Kids are probably really aware of their body. I of course don't remember being a kid much, let alone being a baby, but I would think the whole reason a baby cries is because he's learning to be in his own body, learning to use it, learning to understand the world, learning and absorbing. I also read somewhere that kids have a really good understanding of whether they are hungry or thirsty, and that that ability is one you lose through the years. That article said that actually a lot of adults confuse them and eat when in fact they are hungry... I don't know how true that is, but I definitely know I can't really tell when I'm thirsty, and I definitely stopped paying attention to my body a long time ago. 

This TEDtalk video I watched the other day, about how education kills creativity - a must-watch, seriously... said at some point that a lot of those intellectual professors, etc, see their body as a way to get from A to B, something that carries their brain from seminar to seminar! Haha that's interesting imagery, but that's actually what I've been feeling like.... that is, being "in the head", analyzing every single situation, acquiring data, testing, analyzing, estimating, judging, watching, as if every situation is a scientific experiment. I've come to notice that I've got a lot of suppressed emotion - a direct result of over-analyzing situations instead of acting, but then also keeping emotions to myself, just because I've assumed, in my head, that the person I'm talking to doesn't really need to know what I have to say, or how I feel. I don't think I ever really learned how to express emotion and be proactive in tuning in to other people's emotions (ok that I can do), but actually being proactive about helping them out, asking what they need, instead of assuming the person will figure him/herself out. 

So, all that to say, that I've decided to stop over-analyzing my posts, to stop worrying about coming out with a structured post with not a lot of information for the small brains. I'm much better off writing this blog from the heart, and breathing and being present as I write this. I'm much better off speaking without barriers, because, to be honest, I've had barriers up my whole life and it's time to bring those down. 

So, maybe I'm going to be a bit, or a lot, all-over-the-place in this blog. Without really knowing what I'm going to write about until I get there. I am just listening to myself, to my feelings, and I'm leaving my "What's So", a current-reality check. And this is the new me. Say Hi!

Until next time,
Miss K