I just finished sending
anonymously free latte coupons to a few of my coworkers (free holiday latte at
Tim Horton’s)
I’m seeing a trend where I
like giving anonymous gifts, and not dealing with their reactions. Or seeing
their reactions but not being there when they are pleased. I thought, hey I
just like being nice, and I think I also sort of wish these people pay it
forward and grow in their own ways, to be better people. Perhaps it is somewhat
selfish to be around people who would pay it forwards, but at the same time it
is very selfless in the fact that I am giving for the sake of giving and not
expecting anything in return (which is awesome!)
At the same time, it makes me
wonder – is there a fear that I have? Probably: I’ve recently had an “aha!”
moment realizing I have a fear of intimacy, in the way that I can’t pay a
compliment and look someone in the eye, or be confrontation and look them in
the eye, or be vulnerable in any way and look at them in the eye. As soon as I
say something personal, nice or mean, I look away. As soon as I’ve said what I
wanted to say, I look away, afraid to see what happens and be present for the
reaction. When it’s a compliment I am paying, or something nice, often I will
defend myself or not take ownership “well, it was going to happen anyway”.
Another way I fear intimacy: I have a way of skipping over the bonding, “how
are you?” part of a conversation to just get to the point… while other times, I’ll
only ask about the other person so that I don’t have to say anything about
myself (and be vulnerable).
The challenge here will be to
say “I’m the one who sent it to you”, look that person in the eye until their
reaction comes, and just listen and accept whatever the reaction is with
humility and respond calmly if necessary. “It was my pleasure.”
