Getting out of the vicious circle

"If you feed the madness, it feeds on you" from the episode I JUST watched in Once Upon a Time

A few "bad" things (it's a matter of perspective, don't you think?) happened in a row and it snowballed: I lost control of myself then got into a doom & gloom mood for a couple of weeks, a "phase". In that phase, which I've had before a few times, I go down hard on myself, and then hate myself for everything I do. It's the harsh self-talk that goes on in my head when I'm not doing something fun. I do do fun things that make me temporarily happy and forget, which I think is part of the reason I get out of the negativity phase eventually, but they feel like escapes. Because when those fun things end, I go back to the black cloud mood where it's easy to be mad, it's easy to hate, it's easy to blame. 

I had this twice since I went to Open Heart in April 2014, and got out of it consciously, using the tools I got from the seminar. Because of that course, I'm aware and conscious. It sucks, but it's good at the same time because I know what I need to do. It sucks because it adds another reason to hate myself (therefore, vicious circle), but it's good because, as I ruin, blame, cry, get angry and wish bad things on people who didn't do anything, I also put time to exercise, do my written exercises that I learned from the seminar, take time to do breathing exercises, and meditations that inspire me, because I know those work. 

But man, is it hard to start, to put effort and be uncomfortable! But starting, well, that's non-optional for where I want to go!

I have motivation to find the happy version of me, it's really good, and I'm so thankful to have found a way to get there, even if I have to do it over and over .

People and sites I follow that inspire me:
http://instagram.com/maddykatelier
http://mindvalleyacademy.com/
http://cupcakesandcashmere.com/ (special mention for her newest post my-5-steps-for-tackling-anxiety)

The new boss in town: the Heart

Today I made a decision to review the Open Heart seminar. I totally didn't expect it! As most things... I have never really been prepared for things, and I certainly don't expect things to go bad when they are good. As Martine consoled me, as I cried that I was not good enough (untrue), or that I can't do it (untrue), that I haven't learned anything (super untrue), that I'm right back where I started 3 months ago (really untrue), that I had fears (ok that one's true) about being judged, being compared, losing approval, not caring about my money, anyway, as you can see, I have a lot of emotional things to settle, limiting behaviours to erase or unlearn, things to let go of, things to accept, such as me: accepting and forgiving myself... 

I am so aware of all this now! How did I not see it before?? It's like Martine put it (as she got it from Lyse), a story that depicts the mind vs. the heart: you own a Dep, but you've been away for 30 years, and you come back and it's a mess! the current manager (metaphor for "the mind") thinks it's got the situation handled, but the ways in which he works are totally opposite what you'd do. This manager sees his store as if it's running smoothly, and you can see now from an outer perspective, that you could be making a helluva lot more profit, by cleaning it up, changeing the management, changing the staff, changing the methods... it's still the same store, but with the heart in charge, man is it going to flourish!! And I guess the store is a metaphor for the body! Hehe, it's a nice story, huh?


So I'm going back to the seminar - to complete my Leadership Course. I'll get back and see it from a different perspective. And more importantly, I'm making a decision that puts my heart back in charge of the store. The mind can have its 9-5 desk job back, do the analysis, design and mathematics, and leave the other stuff for the new boss in town, the heart. My heart and my Self.

This is a beautiful end (of my Open Heart experience) to a beautiful beginning (that is my happy life).