The Discomfort Zone

The most rewarding actions is those taken outside of your comfort zone

Imagine this: Imagine your comfort zone is a sphere. Imagine an inflated balloon. You, in general, - imagine yourself as a marble - move through your comfort zone in your daily life. You move in 3 directions, because you're not always doing the same thing. But if you're content, you're living within that bubble that is our comfort zone. Now imagine a sphere, a giant ball that fits in the room you're in. The walls of the giant ball are your limits! You, the marble, usually lives within that balloon floating in the room, but your limits in various areas of life span much farther that what you're used to.  Not everyone has the same limits, but we all have them. And we also have limits of our comfort zone. Our potential is that giant bubble, whereas where we are is not quite there. Everytime you push yourself on the edge of your comfort zone, 

[Reference : http://bemindfulnow.com/?p=549]

6 months on a budget - Pros and Cons

It's been about 6 months - it will be at the end of this month - since I started being conscientious of my purchases to quit buying useless things and to save money. 

The initial idea last July was "let's see if we can save 1000$ each to buy a drone" but in the end, a drone wasn't worth 1000$ to me, but it was still useful for me to see if truly I could minimize my spending. 

So, after about 6 months, here are the observations I’ve made:

The positives

1.       More conscious of my tendencies and shopping habits

I do have a tendency to shop every 2-3 months and buy for a few hundred dollars. For example, when I come across cool and fashionable tendencies, it makes me want some of my own (PINEAPPLES!!). When there is a change in seasons, like the fall collection is out in a store I like, I have a tendency to want a new wardrobe, or spend a few hundred dollars on some new items.  Christmas also meant I wanted to have a bunch of extra seasonal items, like Christmas decorations for the tree (even though we already had a bunch), nice table decor for having people over (even though I hadn't had plans to host anyone), nice house decorations (but not enough space for new stuff!!) and of course gifts! I have a tendency to buy in excess, sometimes buying gifts even when I don't have a person in mind! (Are you an over-buyer or under-buyer?)

2.     I did become a mindful spender

With every purchase I questioned myself on the usefulness of what I wanted to buy and if I really had a use in mind, one that would last beyond one season.

Although on this project I don’t concentrate on saving money on groceries and going to the restaurant (dates or social activities), I’ve become a bit more conscious and smart about spending, for example “I spent a lot on fancy ingredients last month, I should focus on using them up or using my frozen items this month”.

I don’t actually have a numerical budget, as getting into the metrics would be a whole other project that I’m not willing to get into now (which I can do because I am not in debt, thankfully).

3.     I did buy less of certain items

I saved some money by not spending on delicious tea from my favorite tea store DavidsTea, books (since I already have a bunch I didn’t read), seasonal items (except some hand soaps………), home decorations (except a few that provided happy memories and those that my mister wanted to incorporate into our home – I didn’t want him to be negatively affected by my budgeting exercise)…

4.     More enjoyment from the things I do own

Not buying the new teas at DavidsTea was difficult, but I also was able to enjoy all the teas I do have, and benefit from the enjoyment of finishing a pack of tea that I’ve had for a while!

Not buying new books, I was able to pick up a book I already had and still hadn’t read!

5.     I became more generous

Since I didn’t want to spend money to fill up my home with useless stuff, I couldn’t buy myself the awesome cute amazing thing I found at that store I love, but someone else could benefit! I allowed myself to be a bit more generous with gifts. A little gift for a friend who was celebrating a birthday, a care package for a sick family member, an extra generous gift this year for Christmas.

The negatives

1.      I'm a little masochistic

Although I've decided not to buy things that are "fun" and "cool" but useless, or just temporary useful, I'm still subscribed to newsletters of my favorite stores, some that are stocked with temporary useful objects (Like Indigo Bookstore!). And not just that, I peruse the sales for "essential" items that are also awesome. The inner dialogue that it causes is less than pleasant as I go from "yes I want it so bad!" to "no, i don't need it" back and forth for several minutes, and sometimes several times in a day or week. When seasonal items, which I've sworn off, go on sale, it's torture and a half . I know I'd feel temporary pleasure, but I'd also use said items during a specific season. A great example of this was the pumpkin tureen in a previous blog post of my biggest teases!

2.     I still spent money

I bought a few cake pedestals for taking better pictures of my Gateaux Dulce cakes, some clothing when I ruined a couple items in the wash, some gorgeous frames to finally display some beautiful pictures from our Italy vacation, some hand soaps with holiday scents (hey, they’re consumable!), etc. As mentioned in the positives, I also was more generous in gifts! So, in terms of saving dollars, I’m not sure I succeeded much in that department.

In the end, there are more positives than negatives so the overall conclusion is it’s a good thing which I will be continuing for the next few months and hopefully beyond, setting good habits for the future!

*

Any ideas for saving money? What are some of your pros and cons of mindful spending?

Christmas on a budget

After taking steps to spend less on new things for the thrill of new things, and only on things that I truly need, or would allow me to grow, in other words, Christmas is a challenging time of year. 

I was about to send emails to everyone in my family saying "please don't give me gifts this year" or "please donate to charity instead", and "I don't want to spend money on things that won't necessarily make you happier, so please tell me what you really want for Christmas", but writing those emails turned out to be much for difficult than I expected. It also dawned on me that it was incredibly insensitive and selfish, especially doing such requests by email and not in person or by phone. 

First, giving gifts can be a wonderful happiness boost to anyone doing the giving. The experience between two people of giving of and receiving a gift can be a good bonding exercise. And asking for what my family actually wants could take the fun out of it, by eliminating the element of surprise. So I was faced with a tough decision. Make a change or keep up the family traditions. 

Traditions are important towards happiness, as I've learned recently having started reading The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. And I didn't want to stir up anything by straying away from traditions. On the other hand, we're all grown and mixing things up can also be good for us, but it will have to wait until next year. Right now, December 17th, is much too close to Christmas to be changing our shopping lists, especially since not everyone is last minute. Once Black Friday rolls around, it's too late to change the Christmas traditions - even though Black Friday is not as popular in Canada as it is in the US, it is an excellent day to start buying gifts, as the sales are excellent! 

I've also sought out information from The Internet, our #1 source of information, sad as that is... I took advice from other people embracing minimalism that, once a year, it is okay to embrace the traditions of Christmas. We may not control what others get us, but we can send gift list ideas and give gifts that are homemade, or "experience gifts". Or, another idea was to look at what kind of gifts you'd received in the past, which indicates what that person likes. 

And as it turns out I've actually been gift-conscious for 1-2 years now, buying local produce as gifts, making homemade goodies, small tokens of appreciation, and things that I'd be sure the other enjoys, without necessarily having a gift ideas list from them. 

And so, on that note, Happy Holidays to everyone!

xo Miss K (on a budget)

Two steps forward, one step back

We, humans, are by no means perfect. So striving for perfection is futile; rather, aim for progress! Two steps forward and one step back is still progress, and so we just learn from our back-steps but they don't necessarily equal failure. 

I have to tell myself that, as I struggle to beat myself down when I buy things and I've told myself not to. But it's okay, it totally happens and it's not the end of the world. So I bought frames, at least I'm going to add photos for an added value home that showcases good memories. Not only can we learn from our mistakes, we can spin them to be positive based on our perspective. We make choices. 

The fact is that I still spend money, but rather than increasing a tea collection that I won't finish up until mid- to late- 2016, I'm spending on things that will allow me to grow in one way or another: 

1. Baking supplies

Since I started a baking business (facebook page / GateauxDulce), my time concerned on it has been little. As my entrepreneur friend Sarah told me "It's not a business if you don't have business"; she's right. I'll have to make a goal of actually selling cakes to be able to call it a business. But one thing is also certain: I will have to practice to sell beautiful cakes. And in the last month, I delivered 3 cakes including my first wedding cake. Yes, I bought baking supplies, but I've got 4 potential orders in the backlog : one where I will make cupcakes in exchange for a bottle of port, one birthday cake (scheduled), one gluten-free cake (potential), and I'll be having some bake sales at work to raise funds for charity. 

Look at what I've been able to accomplish with some supplies!! I'm so very proud!

2. Frames

I have been staring at these frames for a long time ...They're on page 12 of my Indigo Wishlist!!! Yes, the plan always has been and still is to print photos from Italy (and possibly some of Greece) that are relaxing to always think about our trip when I see the pictures, recollecting good souvenirs. There is a lot of benefit added to this personal project. One, I won't be accomplishing it on my own, therefore a couple's project. Two, finally get rid of those ikea frames that mean nothing. Three, increased happiness from reminiscing of happy moments abroad. And I got them at 25% off! YAY!

3. Cake pedestals

Okay I totally did not NEED cake pedestals, but it ended up being worth it, especially one with a ruffle that (not shown) was used to display the wedding cake shown above. The result was so beautiful, it brought emotion to my throat (i.e. the step before tears to my eyes). I got one beautiful china one for a 6" cake, one 8-9" white ceramic ruffle one that I just mentioned, and one made of wood (actually I bought a wood round cake board and a wood carved candle stick, which, when used together, can make a nice rustic-look pedestal). They do take a lot of room yes, but they are worth it. Why? Because taking beautiful pictures of cakes is part of growing the business. It's part of the marketing, and the way one gets likes on social media! Very important. I shall however restrain myself from making additional cake pedestal purchases! So here is the final selection:

4. Gifts 

Since I don't want to spend money on useless gifts for myself, things that give instant gratification, things may not remain interesting for very long, then I allow myself to do so towards another. They might not like the gift but our relationship is better because I've put a little extra time considering what may make them feel good. I put together a care package recently, and although it wasn't cheap, it was worth it!

5. Experiences

Even though I try to cut down on spending, I actually do still spend about the same  amount of money in total, because we go out to eat every now and then, we go to shows. I attended the SAQ Grande Degustation last week, and I'll be going to Sugar Sammy on December 5th! Looking forward to that! Experiences we grow from, we create memories, and sure it takes funds, but in the end, it's worth it and that's what you really need to think about when making purchases!



So the lesson is, not all first perceived failures can really be described as failures, as I am still progressing and I buy things with value added. I ask myself "Is it worth it?" and "Will I take enjoyment from this in the long term?", and if the answer is yes, then go for it! 

Money concerns both people in a couple.

It happened on a normal evening, all I did was say that I didn't want to buy an expensive new coffee machine, even though yes the coffee did sound delicious. I said I'm trying not to spend on things I didn't need, and I said I was aiming for a minimalist lifestyle. The word "minimalist" set off a bomb of fear from my partner, he freaked-out at the thought of a radical change in my lifestyle that did not include him. Here's an article for you, mister: The Minimalists (click the link for full article).

Minimalism is not a radical lifestyle. Minimalism is a tool I use to get rid of unnecessary stuff and live a meaningful life—a life filled with happiness, freedom, and conscious awareness.

Since we had some big discussion about the purchase of a drone a few months back, it started with a friendly competition on who can save the most money (however difficult that is to measure) and it turned into a serious evaluation of my spending habits. On my birthday I received a cookbook and for the first time I did not want a cookbook, because I already maximized the space I had for cookbooks, but I started noticing all around how many things I had bought because I knew I needed or wanted, and now I have a serious lack of space everywhere in our house. 

A house, so roomy compared to an apartment, so I've permitted myself to own more things, but now, now I realize how so many things get lost and how I don't remember where I've placed certain things, and how they don't actually bring me happiness. Basically, I just have too much stuff, and  like a drop that makes the vase overflow, I realized it all at once, all it took was one too many cookbooks.  

But back to the point, the reason he freaked out was probably related to some fears that I'm losing my mind or that life will become boring, based on his views of what "minimalism" meant, but isn't necessarily the same as what I understand it to be. 

But this led me to wonder to what extent did my minimalism journey negatively affect others while benefiting me? How many expenditures can I really cut when the partner in my life is not cutting out unnecessary expenses? Does beautifying our home and buying kitchen gadgets to make our common lives better fit into the "useless spending" category? Where is the line between fun, useful and meaningful? I've got to think of it before making a decision. For example, perhaps buying frames for travel photos might be okay (will bring us both happiness) while a new coffee machine might not be okay (only bringing him happiness). 

But even then, couple life is about compromises and so I will probably end up still purchasing items that I don't particularly enjoy,  but he does and so I concede. That can happen.

Sources of inspiration 

1. Blonde on a Budget http://blondeonabudget.ca/2014/07/07/the-year-i-plan-to-embrace-minimalism/

Jealousy

A new pattern for me: jealousy

Jealousy isn’t something I am altogether familiar with…well, yes and no. Yes I am familiar with the heart ache I feel with jealousy, when someone I know has something I don’t and that I feel shitty for not being at the same place, but No in the sense that it’s rare that I get jealous. I must more often get that feeling just because I am judging myself: “I should be more like ____, but I’m not, and I hate myself for it”

I just got jealous again. My friend who’s shown me that she’s changed so much after taking a personal development class, I got inspired to do the same. I too have gone through a lot of positive changes. Now she’s totally changed careers and she’s starting her own business… and that’s what set off that feeling of “I’m not good enough” followed by “and I am never going to be.”

I took a moment to calm down and thought it through. Emotions are useful: they tell us something and figuring out what they are trying to tell us is Emotional Intelligence. This jealousy is telling me that I would like to eventually own a business. It is also telling me that I want to be excited about work, as she was.

And finally I can’t just push aside jealousy, by putting it into a small box for a rainy day. No – feel it, and accept it. It’s okay to be jealous. Now take action. You want to find career happiness, Karen? well go and find it. There is no other way. I’m sure she has gone through jealousy herself, and gone through a lot of negative emotions before finding something for her. Also, I can’t expect to have the same pathway to happiness as her, as our pasts are not at all the same, and our selves are two entirely different people.

I feel better already.

(PS. Reading material: http://www.forbes.com/sites/work-in-progress/2012/08/01/the-real-reason-youre-jealous-of-your-friends-success/2/)

Getting out of the vicious circle

"If you feed the madness, it feeds on you" from the episode I JUST watched in Once Upon a Time

A few "bad" things (it's a matter of perspective, don't you think?) happened in a row and it snowballed: I lost control of myself then got into a doom & gloom mood for a couple of weeks, a "phase". In that phase, which I've had before a few times, I go down hard on myself, and then hate myself for everything I do. It's the harsh self-talk that goes on in my head when I'm not doing something fun. I do do fun things that make me temporarily happy and forget, which I think is part of the reason I get out of the negativity phase eventually, but they feel like escapes. Because when those fun things end, I go back to the black cloud mood where it's easy to be mad, it's easy to hate, it's easy to blame. 

I had this twice since I went to Open Heart in April 2014, and got out of it consciously, using the tools I got from the seminar. Because of that course, I'm aware and conscious. It sucks, but it's good at the same time because I know what I need to do. It sucks because it adds another reason to hate myself (therefore, vicious circle), but it's good because, as I ruin, blame, cry, get angry and wish bad things on people who didn't do anything, I also put time to exercise, do my written exercises that I learned from the seminar, take time to do breathing exercises, and meditations that inspire me, because I know those work. 

But man, is it hard to start, to put effort and be uncomfortable! But starting, well, that's non-optional for where I want to go!

I have motivation to find the happy version of me, it's really good, and I'm so thankful to have found a way to get there, even if I have to do it over and over .

People and sites I follow that inspire me:
http://instagram.com/maddykatelier
http://mindvalleyacademy.com/
http://cupcakesandcashmere.com/ (special mention for her newest post my-5-steps-for-tackling-anxiety)

1st Tip on Building Relationships

Hi there

My new interest is LinkedIn Updates, a sort of news feed with interesting articles. After posting a few shares with a small comment, hardly difficult, I was asked whether I wanted to join LinkedIn as a Publisher. Hmm, interesting. I don't know if I am good enough at writing to actually publish anything of value, and I would definitely want to post something of value if anything at all, but I added that feature to my profile nonetheless. 

Since my steps towards betterment with my personal development courses and home work, I felt a sort-of wave of understanding towards the people and world around me and an inspiration to motive those people to take similar steps or to simply be slightly happier or take steps to better themselves. In other words, I found a way to contribute to the world. 

It's important to have a reason to contribute, a darma, a personal life path/purpose, even if it's vague, or just a gut feeling. 

I don't know what I'd write about, I figure I'd use this blog as a way to collect my thoughts. Afterall, no readers, yet accessible. I want others to see that it's possible to have questions and be uncertain, and be all sorts of unhappy while also taking steps to find that happiness, take it back, choose it and work on yourself.

One thing I can think of right now is that to build a relationship with anyone, boss, friend, sister, coworker or anyone, it's important to be open and honest. It doesn't mean divulge all your deepest secrets, but it means, don't expect the truth and openness from the other person if you're not ready to give it out yourself. One coworker told me in an attempt to give advice, that being open at work is a sign of weakness. I used to believe that, so much that it ruled my entire life from day one to a few months ago. I still do unconsciously.... But boy is that wrong. 

No wonder I have had troubles building trusting relationships with my coworkers (I want to trust them to be honest and reasonable with me and anyone)! How could I expect them to open up and be real if I wouldn't let the real Karen out? 

Think about it, it starts with body language. You wouldn't approach someone who looks grumpy, but rather go to someone who seems happy or peaceful, for whatever reason. So, basically if you want anything from the other person, they have to first feel like they can get something from you - it's like a payment I guess, but it's true. First you open up - it's a risk, but it's worth it. You say "hi, how are you?" if they say "good, you?" you won't want to say anything more than "good" also. But if they build a story around how they're feeling, you're likely to give the same sort of response. 

So, that's something I would need to fix up a little before sharing........

Tips to Love Yourself

1. Ask for a list of things people like about you (get it by email to keep)
2. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Be honest. if you have trouble, think about thinks you value in your friends and see if you've got that too. Write in a special notebook, a beautiful notebook. Read and repeat.
3. Make it part of your daily routine to praise something in yourself or think of something you like about yourself, or something you did to make others feel good. Praise as if you're a friend of yours.
4. Love yourself like you love a friend. Close your eyes. Think of someone you deeply love and trust and who you know loves you. Think of all the things you appreciate about them. Notice how love feels, how it feels good. Now be the friend, feeling love back at you. See yourself through gentle eyes, with compassion and love, the way your friend does. Receive that love, from your friend to you, feel the warmth move through you. remember how it feels. repeat.
5. Make a note everytime someone says something nice to you. Put these notes in a container 'good things about me'. Decorate it. Read & repeat. 
6. Have compassion for yourself: if you're feeling judgemental, try to get where it comes from, from deep down. fear? insecurity? past voice? listen to your feelings. Hug and reassure the kid inside you. Tell her you did nothing wrong, tell her you love her. As if you're your friend.
7. Recognize love comes from you, not from parents, but from you. You deserve it. You deserve love and acceptance. 
8. Use affirmations. Write, say strong loving things even if you don't fully believe. for example: "I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness", "I am a very loveable person", "I am kind, compassionate, intelligent and wise". Put affirmations up where you always see or touch (e.g. book), or both. Read them daily. Write love notes to yourself. Read them slowly and really feel it. 
9. Recognize self-criticism. Notice it, then ask your evil voice "why?" Remind yourself you no longer need to do that to survive. You're free to make up your own mind.
10. Counteract negative thoughts about yourself. Write down all the negative thoughts and messages in your head. Figure out who told you them first. Respond to them by counteract, as strong and loving as you can. Ask a deep/wise part inside you. Think about how your friend would say it. 
11. Do comforting and nurturing things for yourself. Feel good and feel how good you feel. You deserve it. Seek ways to feel good. 
12. Ask yourself what you need to do - trust your intuition.

'Open Heart' seminar that changed my life as I knew it

Dear reader,

I’m writing because I took this really interesting weekend 30-hour seminar in April in Montreal, QC and I thought I’d share it with you because it really changed my perspective, improved my self-esteem and awareness in general. Also If you are interested in bettering yourself, like I am, you might find something of value in my experience.

This weekend seminar is called Open Heart and, in a few words, deals with breathing, self-awareness and introspection. So I went to this weekend seminar because I wanted to get rid of stress I was having at my job due to projects (my hard time completing them) and stress related to my relationships with my coworkers (who are nice and evil and really screw with my mind). I received tips and tricks for dealing with the stress, but what I got out of this seminar went a lot deeper than that: I realized my stress wasn’t just about my projects and my coworkers, but it went a lot deeper into my sub-conscious.

We examined negative repetitive patterns that everyone has at least a bit of, so I figured out mine (the major one is seeking approval in everything I do and say), I understood where they come from and why I act like I do, how it has affected my life to date and how I can fix it.

I realized how my relationship with my parents has shaped the way I am in the world, my relationship with people (including coworkers) and with things (such as projects) as well as the way I communicate. I am somehow more self-aware and I realize more than ever how much is in my hands, and that I have the power to change my environment. It’s funny, I used to know this in my brain, and I thought I knew it, but the truth is that I realize how that I never really felt it; I sort of had a breakthrough and now see things way differently.

After realizing my patterns and because of the exercises we did, I’m able to let go of things that used to eat me up inside, short-term tiny things like a fight or the traffic and long-term things like how my parents raised me.

So, since the seminar, I’ve noticed a major change in my communications: I had a terrible relationship with my mom: always falling into her negative trap and struggling for air, whereas now I don’t let that shit fly! I may not be able to change her, but I sure as hell can change how I communicate with her and it’s become much easier and possible! I actually am able to have a real conversation (about real things, not the weather). I’m so proud of myself. I’ve also changed my communication in a similar way with my boyfriend, coworkers, and other people – I am used to reacting instead of responding reasonably and I am much more assertive and able to relax faster when stresses come up. Additionally, I am aware now of the negative behavioural patterns that people have and I can see them all around me and protect myself from getting absorbed into the negativity, mind games, etc.

Lastly, many of the exercises made me more aware of myself physically and emotionally. I live a lot more in the present and I have noticed a significant shift in my overall positivity.

This is what it brought for me in the last month and I am really grateful to have taken the risk in taking this course, and I encourage you to do the same if you see anything of value for yourself. I have increased my self-esteem, I improved my current relationships and communications, I am meeting new people and having good conversations with them, I also started to find hope in my career, I am able to deal with stress a lot easier, I live less inside my head and would say I am a LOT closer to inner peace. This seminar could also help you let go of illness if you have and increase your prosperity.

The seminar is called Open Heart (www.lyselebeau.com) and the next one is June 27^th (evening), June 28 (all day) June 29 (all day) and July 2^nd (evening).

If you have any questions or comments or would simply like to talk about it, please send your comments. I look forward to your reply, and have a nice day,

Miss K

Put a smile on your face!

Yesterday, I went into my yoga class happy to have finished the day. Soon enough, I find that I can't find my sense of balance and I have small pains here and there, and that I can't seem to hold a pose for more than 1 second. Soon enough, I start saying to myself that I suck and that I am not good at yoga. Also I cried a bit during Shavasana (a first). Needless to say, I had become in a bad mood, and needed to see this list asap. Sparkpeople is a site I like, and I've used it to count calories and exercise for a few months. There are some pretty good suggestions. Might I add: opening a bottle of wine and watching a favorite quirky tv show (since yoga didn't work). I knew that for me, I probably needed rest so when I got home, I went straight to bed.

Quote of the day

Every day, treat yourself as if you were your own best friend.

Less-than-happy K (a note on courtesy)

I'm supposed to be Happy K but lately I just find things that make me Mediocrely-happy-K. But, at least I am Aware-K who is also Working-on-being-happy-K.

Currently, the issue is keeping calm when people don't respond to my emails or texts or invitations right away, or ever. For example, I asked one friend 3 times by text message and once by facebook if she wanted to go with me to the Ballet, and that over the last month and no answer yet... That's only one example. 

I have issues receiving a "yes" to invitations that I sometimes make, be it to one person, or several, friends, acquaintances or coworkers. The current situation (inviting five REAL friends by Facebook Messages and getting zero replies) makes me think the problem was asking several people (5) at once. If I really wanted to go to the Ballet with someone, I'd have asked people individually, right? I'd take up most of my day to email or call and follow up many times. Note that these people had previously expressed interest in joining me!

I got me wondering, how many times am I required to follow-up? How many texts should I send before giving up? and what am I doing wrong so that people don't bother replying? Is it a coincidence that everyone in the thread accidentally forgot or had way too much going on in their lives to remember? 

So, a dozen Google searches later (the first ones only coming up with social-media related invitations.......don't people care anymore about real manners and real live hanging out?) I found a site that addresses ways to invite people out, and, using the second link, how to get them to say yes!

http://www.succeedsocially.com/invitingpeopleoutexamples 
http://www.copyblogger.com/get-to-yes/

I just wish more people applied common courtesy in their lives. Just because I have used facebook to invite my friends, doesn't mean I want you to treat it like a Facebook event! (i.e. don't answer, maybe means no, yes doesnt necessarily mean yes)....Either I have always had this problem, or maybe Facebook is the problem... 

Anyway, if there is anyone reading this blog, please remember your social manners and be courteous to people who invite you to do anything! Thanks!

Here's a short list of etiquette that people seem to forget:
http://www.affluentmagazine.com/articles/article/371 

yours,
Still-hopeful-K

Stop manipulation!

What I find difficult today is dealing with manipulative people.

Change can be good, even the most negative experiences can bring out happy moments, learning experiences, new friends, etc. But there can easily be more bad out of a situation than good, and that’s usually something that tells you that more change needs to happen.

A co-worker, let’s call him Steven, has moved to the group many months ago and it has since modified the group dynamic, and I don’t like it… Sure, it has made me realize all the sorts of things that I do not tolerate or that I let myself tolerate, and consequently things I need to change about myself (don’t care as much about people that don’t care about me, don’t care what people thing, do things for me and not for anyone else, etc.). But, this guy is, basically, in one word, aggressive. He’s not violent or physically aggressive, nor does he use strong words, but he makes people (me!) around him uncomfortable in his mannerisms and words. He verbally aggresses people by making fun of them, and manipulates others. Worse, he’s nice one-on-one, with few such aggressive aspects, but in a group he is dangerous. In addition, he’s sort of the Alpha male, leading everyone together, but conjunctively we all become his puppets. I say “we” because I too have been victim. Actually, I trusted him until he used my information, things I have told him in confidence, against me to destroy my relationships with other coworkers. Now I cannot trust his smile nor his friendliness in any situation.

I have determined that he is manipulative. He bullies, makes people feel bad about themselves, and thinks that he is superior to everyone else (and that he has the Power over the rest of us). Here’s proof: he’s got a puppet! That is, another co-worker, let’s call him Joey. Joey sits beside Steven, asking Steven many questions about his life, how he has gotten to this point, financial questions, life questions, work questions, people questions (it’s very annoying). More importantly, Joey follows Steven around, only goes to the social activities Steven does and let’s be honest, is becoming like Steven. Joey was (yes, was) a really nice guy, one-on-one or in a group, he stayed true to himself, and that was really awesome! When Steven showed up, he sort of lost the nice personality and started taking on one of “Steven’s apprentice”, or “Steven’s puppet”. And, when someone pisses him off, he makes his puppet stop talking to that someone too. Steven feeds on other people’s weakness.  He’s fed on mine much too much also, but that is over now!!

I’m not very assertive, but trying to be! He’s trying to manipulate me and I have to say no! I have to stand my ground, but I also have to become distant, passive, stop caring about everything, stop trying to change them, and stop being annoyed with their behaviours. I am trying to be indifferent towards my coworkers’ stupidities! Clearly I am not there yet, since I’m currently very annoyed as I write this, but at least I am aware of what I need to change and also I have resisted against his manipulations.

So dealing with a manipulative person:

1) Have to stay calm, relaxed, think about something else if you have to
2) Have to say no when I don’t want to. I have to remember that everything he says is for himself and that he doesn’t care about me. I must remember that. I need to think about me also!
3) Have to move on to another conversation topic

I like the points from this article as well, http://www.sheerbalance.com/mind-body/6-steps-to-stop-being-manipulated/ which is "6 steps to stop being manipulated". Also this article, http://lifehacker.com/5672291/how-to-manipulate-people which breaks down manipulation into a number of smaller aspects, which sort of sheds a light on the whole thing and would help you develop an anti-venom against manipulators.

Good luck!

15 Tips To Turn That Frown Upside Down!

This article "15 Things to Give Up to be Happy" is awful. I've seen it multiple times over the internet, I'm not really sure who's the real source behind it anymore... I think this is a really awful article because 1) it's really negative (stop this, stop that, don't be this, don't be that - no one responds well to negative commands!) and 2) it makes happiness a destination, a goal. When in reality, people who are happy don't actually TRY to be happy. Trying to be happy is the opposite of being happy! It's so frustrating....

Ok breathe... 

Be zen...

So, according to me, this is the way the article should go:

1) Accept that you are sometimes wrong.

2) Let situations, people and things be as they are. You can only control yourself. Relax and go with the flow. 

3) Take responsibility of your life. You are the only person who can control your actions and make changes to your life and your personality.

4) Believe in yourself. Keep a positive outlook on yourself. You are beautiful and you are loved.

5) Believe in yourself. You can do anything! The sky is the limit!

6) Your point of view and your emotions are controled by you only. Turn your complaints off, you dont need to be upset if you dont want to be!

7) Let them be. Let other people live their own journeys. Everyone wants love and happiness; we're all looking for the same thing, so let them find it at their own rate and in their own way.

8) Be yourself - and that's what will impress others!

9) Accept chabge. Change is ok. Know that there is always something good that comes out of change.

10) Be open minded to new experiences and welcome learning. You will be better for it.

11) Just do it! Fear is in your head. Think of it as strength and courage.

12) Just do it! Excuses are lies in your head. Excuses are a waste of precious time. You only have one life.

13) Live in the present. Take a breather and live for right now. How do you feel right now and how would you rather feel right now. Be the best you at this given moment. Forget the past and the future, its not worth losing time over something that doesn't exist.

14) Be at peace, be zen, be tolerant, be serene. That is how you let go.

15) Be you and be yourself. Listen to yourself, your mind, your body, your heart. Live your life to the fullest. 

And honestly, these guidelines have already helped me on numerous occasions and have already started to transform me into a better me. Whereas that other article? Makes me want to crawl into a ball in the corner. 

Love, K

My mental health...

If anyone lives a life inside their head, it's me. It's a negative life that is slowly destroying me. I just need to tell myself "STOP"

STOP comparing yourself to others
STOP trying to change who you are
STOP focusing on things that upset you
STOP being obsessed with getting others to like you
STOP thinking you have ruined your life
STOP trying to fix a broken relationship
STOP procrastinating
STOP feeling sorry for yourself
STOP wondering what everyone else is thinking about
STOP trying to get others to feel sorry for you
STOP over-analyzing
STOP over-thinking
STOP gossiping to make yourself feel better

How?
How do I stop thinking about it?
How do I stop talking in my head, listening and feeling bad?
How do I focus on my work when all this is happening in my head?

DO list things to you like about yourself instead
DO try solving your problems on your own directly (don't linger)
DO act fast without thinking too much about it first (the longer you wait the worse it'll be)
DO smile, sit up straight (at least you're projecting happy self-image)
DO communicate issues at the beginning
DO communicate gratitude and happiness
DO take a moment to relax mentally, meditate, relax your tense muscles
DO hang out with people who care for you too