The Discomfort Zone

The most rewarding actions is those taken outside of your comfort zone

Imagine this: Imagine your comfort zone is a sphere. Imagine an inflated balloon. You, in general, - imagine yourself as a marble - move through your comfort zone in your daily life. You move in 3 directions, because you're not always doing the same thing. But if you're content, you're living within that bubble that is our comfort zone. Now imagine a sphere, a giant ball that fits in the room you're in. The walls of the giant ball are your limits! You, the marble, usually lives within that balloon floating in the room, but your limits in various areas of life span much farther that what you're used to.  Not everyone has the same limits, but we all have them. And we also have limits of our comfort zone. Our potential is that giant bubble, whereas where we are is not quite there. Everytime you push yourself on the edge of your comfort zone, 

[Reference : http://bemindfulnow.com/?p=549]

6 months on a budget - Pros and Cons

It's been about 6 months - it will be at the end of this month - since I started being conscientious of my purchases to quit buying useless things and to save money. 

The initial idea last July was "let's see if we can save 1000$ each to buy a drone" but in the end, a drone wasn't worth 1000$ to me, but it was still useful for me to see if truly I could minimize my spending. 

So, after about 6 months, here are the observations I’ve made:

The positives

1.       More conscious of my tendencies and shopping habits

I do have a tendency to shop every 2-3 months and buy for a few hundred dollars. For example, when I come across cool and fashionable tendencies, it makes me want some of my own (PINEAPPLES!!). When there is a change in seasons, like the fall collection is out in a store I like, I have a tendency to want a new wardrobe, or spend a few hundred dollars on some new items.  Christmas also meant I wanted to have a bunch of extra seasonal items, like Christmas decorations for the tree (even though we already had a bunch), nice table decor for having people over (even though I hadn't had plans to host anyone), nice house decorations (but not enough space for new stuff!!) and of course gifts! I have a tendency to buy in excess, sometimes buying gifts even when I don't have a person in mind! (Are you an over-buyer or under-buyer?)

2.     I did become a mindful spender

With every purchase I questioned myself on the usefulness of what I wanted to buy and if I really had a use in mind, one that would last beyond one season.

Although on this project I don’t concentrate on saving money on groceries and going to the restaurant (dates or social activities), I’ve become a bit more conscious and smart about spending, for example “I spent a lot on fancy ingredients last month, I should focus on using them up or using my frozen items this month”.

I don’t actually have a numerical budget, as getting into the metrics would be a whole other project that I’m not willing to get into now (which I can do because I am not in debt, thankfully).

3.     I did buy less of certain items

I saved some money by not spending on delicious tea from my favorite tea store DavidsTea, books (since I already have a bunch I didn’t read), seasonal items (except some hand soaps………), home decorations (except a few that provided happy memories and those that my mister wanted to incorporate into our home – I didn’t want him to be negatively affected by my budgeting exercise)…

4.     More enjoyment from the things I do own

Not buying the new teas at DavidsTea was difficult, but I also was able to enjoy all the teas I do have, and benefit from the enjoyment of finishing a pack of tea that I’ve had for a while!

Not buying new books, I was able to pick up a book I already had and still hadn’t read!

5.     I became more generous

Since I didn’t want to spend money to fill up my home with useless stuff, I couldn’t buy myself the awesome cute amazing thing I found at that store I love, but someone else could benefit! I allowed myself to be a bit more generous with gifts. A little gift for a friend who was celebrating a birthday, a care package for a sick family member, an extra generous gift this year for Christmas.

The negatives

1.      I'm a little masochistic

Although I've decided not to buy things that are "fun" and "cool" but useless, or just temporary useful, I'm still subscribed to newsletters of my favorite stores, some that are stocked with temporary useful objects (Like Indigo Bookstore!). And not just that, I peruse the sales for "essential" items that are also awesome. The inner dialogue that it causes is less than pleasant as I go from "yes I want it so bad!" to "no, i don't need it" back and forth for several minutes, and sometimes several times in a day or week. When seasonal items, which I've sworn off, go on sale, it's torture and a half . I know I'd feel temporary pleasure, but I'd also use said items during a specific season. A great example of this was the pumpkin tureen in a previous blog post of my biggest teases!

2.     I still spent money

I bought a few cake pedestals for taking better pictures of my Gateaux Dulce cakes, some clothing when I ruined a couple items in the wash, some gorgeous frames to finally display some beautiful pictures from our Italy vacation, some hand soaps with holiday scents (hey, they’re consumable!), etc. As mentioned in the positives, I also was more generous in gifts! So, in terms of saving dollars, I’m not sure I succeeded much in that department.

In the end, there are more positives than negatives so the overall conclusion is it’s a good thing which I will be continuing for the next few months and hopefully beyond, setting good habits for the future!

*

Any ideas for saving money? What are some of your pros and cons of mindful spending?

Two steps forward, one step back

We, humans, are by no means perfect. So striving for perfection is futile; rather, aim for progress! Two steps forward and one step back is still progress, and so we just learn from our back-steps but they don't necessarily equal failure. 

I have to tell myself that, as I struggle to beat myself down when I buy things and I've told myself not to. But it's okay, it totally happens and it's not the end of the world. So I bought frames, at least I'm going to add photos for an added value home that showcases good memories. Not only can we learn from our mistakes, we can spin them to be positive based on our perspective. We make choices. 

The fact is that I still spend money, but rather than increasing a tea collection that I won't finish up until mid- to late- 2016, I'm spending on things that will allow me to grow in one way or another: 

1. Baking supplies

Since I started a baking business (facebook page / GateauxDulce), my time concerned on it has been little. As my entrepreneur friend Sarah told me "It's not a business if you don't have business"; she's right. I'll have to make a goal of actually selling cakes to be able to call it a business. But one thing is also certain: I will have to practice to sell beautiful cakes. And in the last month, I delivered 3 cakes including my first wedding cake. Yes, I bought baking supplies, but I've got 4 potential orders in the backlog : one where I will make cupcakes in exchange for a bottle of port, one birthday cake (scheduled), one gluten-free cake (potential), and I'll be having some bake sales at work to raise funds for charity. 

Look at what I've been able to accomplish with some supplies!! I'm so very proud!

2. Frames

I have been staring at these frames for a long time ...They're on page 12 of my Indigo Wishlist!!! Yes, the plan always has been and still is to print photos from Italy (and possibly some of Greece) that are relaxing to always think about our trip when I see the pictures, recollecting good souvenirs. There is a lot of benefit added to this personal project. One, I won't be accomplishing it on my own, therefore a couple's project. Two, finally get rid of those ikea frames that mean nothing. Three, increased happiness from reminiscing of happy moments abroad. And I got them at 25% off! YAY!

3. Cake pedestals

Okay I totally did not NEED cake pedestals, but it ended up being worth it, especially one with a ruffle that (not shown) was used to display the wedding cake shown above. The result was so beautiful, it brought emotion to my throat (i.e. the step before tears to my eyes). I got one beautiful china one for a 6" cake, one 8-9" white ceramic ruffle one that I just mentioned, and one made of wood (actually I bought a wood round cake board and a wood carved candle stick, which, when used together, can make a nice rustic-look pedestal). They do take a lot of room yes, but they are worth it. Why? Because taking beautiful pictures of cakes is part of growing the business. It's part of the marketing, and the way one gets likes on social media! Very important. I shall however restrain myself from making additional cake pedestal purchases! So here is the final selection:

4. Gifts 

Since I don't want to spend money on useless gifts for myself, things that give instant gratification, things may not remain interesting for very long, then I allow myself to do so towards another. They might not like the gift but our relationship is better because I've put a little extra time considering what may make them feel good. I put together a care package recently, and although it wasn't cheap, it was worth it!

5. Experiences

Even though I try to cut down on spending, I actually do still spend about the same  amount of money in total, because we go out to eat every now and then, we go to shows. I attended the SAQ Grande Degustation last week, and I'll be going to Sugar Sammy on December 5th! Looking forward to that! Experiences we grow from, we create memories, and sure it takes funds, but in the end, it's worth it and that's what you really need to think about when making purchases!



So the lesson is, not all first perceived failures can really be described as failures, as I am still progressing and I buy things with value added. I ask myself "Is it worth it?" and "Will I take enjoyment from this in the long term?", and if the answer is yes, then go for it! 

Money concerns both people in a couple.

It happened on a normal evening, all I did was say that I didn't want to buy an expensive new coffee machine, even though yes the coffee did sound delicious. I said I'm trying not to spend on things I didn't need, and I said I was aiming for a minimalist lifestyle. The word "minimalist" set off a bomb of fear from my partner, he freaked-out at the thought of a radical change in my lifestyle that did not include him. Here's an article for you, mister: The Minimalists (click the link for full article).

Minimalism is not a radical lifestyle. Minimalism is a tool I use to get rid of unnecessary stuff and live a meaningful life—a life filled with happiness, freedom, and conscious awareness.

Since we had some big discussion about the purchase of a drone a few months back, it started with a friendly competition on who can save the most money (however difficult that is to measure) and it turned into a serious evaluation of my spending habits. On my birthday I received a cookbook and for the first time I did not want a cookbook, because I already maximized the space I had for cookbooks, but I started noticing all around how many things I had bought because I knew I needed or wanted, and now I have a serious lack of space everywhere in our house. 

A house, so roomy compared to an apartment, so I've permitted myself to own more things, but now, now I realize how so many things get lost and how I don't remember where I've placed certain things, and how they don't actually bring me happiness. Basically, I just have too much stuff, and  like a drop that makes the vase overflow, I realized it all at once, all it took was one too many cookbooks.  

But back to the point, the reason he freaked out was probably related to some fears that I'm losing my mind or that life will become boring, based on his views of what "minimalism" meant, but isn't necessarily the same as what I understand it to be. 

But this led me to wonder to what extent did my minimalism journey negatively affect others while benefiting me? How many expenditures can I really cut when the partner in my life is not cutting out unnecessary expenses? Does beautifying our home and buying kitchen gadgets to make our common lives better fit into the "useless spending" category? Where is the line between fun, useful and meaningful? I've got to think of it before making a decision. For example, perhaps buying frames for travel photos might be okay (will bring us both happiness) while a new coffee machine might not be okay (only bringing him happiness). 

But even then, couple life is about compromises and so I will probably end up still purchasing items that I don't particularly enjoy,  but he does and so I concede. That can happen.

Sources of inspiration 

1. Blonde on a Budget http://blondeonabudget.ca/2014/07/07/the-year-i-plan-to-embrace-minimalism/

The Law of Attraction

When I first heard of the law of attraction, it was with the book and movie "The secret" by Rhonda Byrne. I got the concept, all right, but I didn't really like the way they put forth the idea that magically things happen just by asking for them. Because they didn't really focus on the fact that you have to take action to get what you want!

But it's true about the law of attraction. How when you are in a certain mindset, those things that help you become visible whether or not they've existed before. For example, when I started thinking about selling cakes, all of a sudden the internet was full of small business articles. I asked my friend "is it just me or is it really fashionable to have a small business?" and he said he didn't notice! Ha proof #1! I came across tons of interesting articles about starting a business because I was starting a business!

Proof #2: After having gone to Hawaii in December, all I see are pineapples. Granted they are appearing in the fashion world, but I am talking about prints, cards, at the grocery store, tea flavours, soap scents. And not just that, I'm noticing when my friends on Facebook go to Hawaii. And I'm noticing Hawaiian books, tropical scents (pineapple, coconut...) and Hawaiian recipes online.

And now the current now: money, or more specifically, saving money. My friend told me about a site she reads: Blonde on a Budget, (and by the way I hadn't told her I was trying to save money), and all of a sudden, Mint starts emailing me again, I'm trying to not buy anything "stupid". Most of all I am trying not to spend money on new tea from DavidsTea and home deco items at Indigo Chapters. and that has been really difficult. I hope to continue talking about this subject in future posts!

Until next time, keep bettering
Yours,
Happy Miss K

5 current life improvements

A short post to serve as an update, things I am focusing on, things to improve and take action on:

1. Gratitude

I continue to practice gratitude. I've noticed recently that when people ask me "How are you?" I tend to take all the good stuff for granted (--> the everyday things like being healthy and employed, as well as the small daily things like a delicious cup of tea or someone asking me how my day is going), so that the things I want to mention are all negative (aches and pains, deadlines, work stresses, annoying coworkers) and so my average mood is always negative. 

Action I'm taking: instead of mentioning bad things, when people ask How are you? force myself to say good and think of something positive. 

2. Circle of influence

Following some end-of-year evaluations and feedback, the reputation I've built is one where I seem to be elsewhere that at work. it's not so much being negative as it is just thinking about other things and being "in the moon" as I like to say, dazed. 

Apparently the heart has a electromagnetic field that is 8 meters radius all around us, and that in some way it affects the people around us. Our mood will affect people around us. 

Action I'm taking: acting confident, trusting, lead by example, be the fire and the bright light in the room. That means smiling in front of others, correcting my posture, listening attentively, thanking others for their actions. Coworkers, family and significant other. I usually don't have that problem with friends.

3. Communication in the family

In my family, we accept errors of those around us by not ever bringing them up and bottling our anger. We also assume how other people will respond, and therefore not include them in plans or not go ahead with plans (depending). So I'm taking it upon myself to change my relationships with them because that's not acceptable for me any more. 

Actions I'm taking: Say when I'm hurt, even if I feel extremely vulnerable. Ask to be informed for certain decisions. Inform them of my decisions.

4. Me time

When I focus solely on important tasks , that are usually urgent or stress me a little because they're so important (like my bakery- ... oh that's right! I didn't post about that yet! in the meantime: www.gateauxdulce.com) I get judgemental on myself - not doing enough, not doing it fast enough, spending too much time watching TV (that part is true). 

On the other hand, when I read and do things I've been putting off that are enjoyable such as creative activities, reading and planning a trip, I feel like life is good. 

Actions I'm taking: Replace TV and online shopping with reading, baking, planning and creative things like drawing, painting, etc.

5. No spending on useless crap

Speaking of online shopping, after a big discussion about whether or not we should buy a drone for travel videos, which costs about 2500$ by the way, I've decided to see how much stuff I can cut out of my spending. 

Actions I'm taking: When I have ingredients for lunches in the fridge, but don't feel I have the time, I will make a lunch so as not spend money on a lunch at work. I'm super addicted to Indigo Chapters and DavidsTea so not spending there will be the hardest. I bought a gift at DavidsTea and then found a better gift (guess where? Indigo!), so I guess that was a failure (but I eat failure for breakfast) because I ended up with extra tea. But no more! 40% off online tea......... I check the specials daily but so far I haven't bought any! Yay! Only once I run out then I can buy more.... it'll be a while!!

I encourage you to set big goals and to take small actions every day to achieve them! Something that has helped me a lot is this Passion Planner, Thank you!

Signed, 
Miss K

Jealousy

A new pattern for me: jealousy

Jealousy isn’t something I am altogether familiar with…well, yes and no. Yes I am familiar with the heart ache I feel with jealousy, when someone I know has something I don’t and that I feel shitty for not being at the same place, but No in the sense that it’s rare that I get jealous. I must more often get that feeling just because I am judging myself: “I should be more like ____, but I’m not, and I hate myself for it”

I just got jealous again. My friend who’s shown me that she’s changed so much after taking a personal development class, I got inspired to do the same. I too have gone through a lot of positive changes. Now she’s totally changed careers and she’s starting her own business… and that’s what set off that feeling of “I’m not good enough” followed by “and I am never going to be.”

I took a moment to calm down and thought it through. Emotions are useful: they tell us something and figuring out what they are trying to tell us is Emotional Intelligence. This jealousy is telling me that I would like to eventually own a business. It is also telling me that I want to be excited about work, as she was.

And finally I can’t just push aside jealousy, by putting it into a small box for a rainy day. No – feel it, and accept it. It’s okay to be jealous. Now take action. You want to find career happiness, Karen? well go and find it. There is no other way. I’m sure she has gone through jealousy herself, and gone through a lot of negative emotions before finding something for her. Also, I can’t expect to have the same pathway to happiness as her, as our pasts are not at all the same, and our selves are two entirely different people.

I feel better already.

(PS. Reading material: http://www.forbes.com/sites/work-in-progress/2012/08/01/the-real-reason-youre-jealous-of-your-friends-success/2/)

Anonymous free lattes

I just finished sending anonymously free latte coupons to a few of my coworkers (free holiday latte at Tim Horton’s) 

I’m seeing a trend where I like giving anonymous gifts, and not dealing with their reactions. Or seeing their reactions but not being there when they are pleased. I thought, hey I just like being nice, and I think I also sort of wish these people pay it forward and grow in their own ways, to be better people. Perhaps it is somewhat selfish to be around people who would pay it forwards, but at the same time it is very selfless in the fact that I am giving for the sake of giving and not expecting anything in return (which is awesome!)

At the same time, it makes me wonder – is there a fear that I have? Probably: I’ve recently had an “aha!” moment realizing I have a fear of intimacy, in the way that I can’t pay a compliment and look someone in the eye, or be confrontation and look them in the eye, or be vulnerable in any way and look at them in the eye. As soon as I say something personal, nice or mean, I look away. As soon as I’ve said what I wanted to say, I look away, afraid to see what happens and be present for the reaction. When it’s a compliment I am paying, or something nice, often I will defend myself or not take ownership “well, it was going to happen anyway”. Another way I fear intimacy: I have a way of skipping over the bonding, “how are you?” part of a conversation to just get to the point… while other times, I’ll only ask about the other person so that I don’t have to say anything about myself (and be vulnerable).

The challenge here will be to say “I’m the one who sent it to you”, look that person in the eye until their reaction comes, and just listen and accept whatever the reaction is with humility and respond calmly if necessary. “It was my pleasure.”

The fine line

There's a fine line between acceptable and non-acceptable behaviour, and that fine line exists everywhere. So if you were to draw all the fine lines that people metaphorically walk on, or beside, there would be one everywhere we looked, there are so many. And worse, if we drew my line and your line on the same subject, and colored in the space between, well, we wouldn't see in front of us at all.

This week, the fine line has been on my mind constantly. I'll talk about those more prominent lines I experienced in the last few days.

The fine line between being funny and offending

This one happened to me big time today. Yesterday's funny picture I made about my coworker made everyone laugh wholeheartedly, but was a really bad joke today that warranted immediate action. By respect for him, I deleted the picture, the emails, all links to it, and then cleared my recycle bin. I was so proud of it too, and we laughed the big laugh together - the kind of laugh that gets me coughing for the next 2 hours. Oh, what a nice laugh it was. But I've managed to offend. 

It's about trust and relationship - have I managed to create a sense of relation with this person? Does he trust me enough? The answer is : No, he doesn't trust me. He doesn't trust me, because I sent it to someone (someone I trust). He doesn't know I wouldn't hurt him. He's my favorite person in all the company and he doesn't know it.  Because of that, the line gets blurred. My line isn't the same as his line. 

The fine line between discipline and punishment/violence

I've been having big questions  - will I ever want kids? I really feel right now like I don't have what it takes to be a parent . My kids would end up more messed up than me, what with a mother who has trouble dealing with negativity, people, who compares herself and blames herself for a lot of shortcomings, and a potential father who well, has his own set of faults (he's got some good sides too). 

A good friend of mine just got a puppy. They are trying to train him, to be a disciplined and caring dog. They've decided not to "punish", as in be physically violent, though a lot of discipline techniques are physical, so what's the line between violence and discipline?

As a kid, I remember thinking many time that my mom was my enemy for forcing me to ___ (fill in the blank) but ended up realizing later it was a good idea (but never admitting it). Those are instances where they've stood their ground and I HATED it, like I thought I deserved a better life, and I thought I was unjustly being punished. I thought it was violence, and aggressiveness, and was only there to make me hurt. How my line had been different from my parents' line. To them, it had just been discipline, and was necessary. 

So, no matter what I try to discipline my children, they'll think something else. And no matter how violence-free my friends think they are raising their dog, we'll never know who the dog perceives being touched when he's angry. It's a matter of perspective! (Everything is a matter of perspective)

The fine line between being caring and obsessing & between assertive and defensive

There are things I really care about, but when I speak about them more than once, I am often told to stop "preaching to the choir". It seems to others sometimes as if I obsess in an unhealthy way, however what I see is something that drives me, that inspires me. I am not trying to convince those around me that they should change their opinions... What I wan't is for the other person to think about it and engage me in a meaningful discussion. It gets to a point where I end up defending myself, where I should be speaking my mind. 

What I've found out here is that the difference lies in 1) my interest in what the other person thinks of me and 2) how I see myself/my confidence. 



All in all, due to this week's theme of "the thin line", I've realized that my self-confidence is being tested since I still care about what other people think of me and whether they judge me. It's a fear I need to take hold of, understand, accept and move on - i.e. don't let it bother me as I keep putting myself in action. The confidence and self-respect will come!

Keep the faith,

Happy K

Balanced Assertivity

I struggle with being the correct level of assertive. I am a push-over then I am pushy. I am working to eliminate the push-over side and it's working. Then I say one thing and I am pushy. 

What's pushy anyway? If you close up and shut down, you've been exposed to someone who is pushy. I think when Martine and Sylvain called me to do the Leadership program they were being pushy. 

But then I build the relationship with my mom, let her open up to me for a few weeks, ask her questions for introspection, but as soon as I talk about 'the course', it becomes pushy?!? How does one word change the conversation? How does it go from being open to being closed and I become shut out? Am i pushy or is she closed for support? Why is it too often?

But it's not just my mom. It's my mom, my sister and my boyfriend. Maybe more, but they're the ones who have said it. That means it's something I do. What do i do that makes people close up and shut down? 

You have to ask yourself: do I close up and shut down? am I afraid of support? Was it that I didn't build the relationship enough? Am I afraid of intimacy?

I think I am open to support. Probably too open. Though, I don't necessarily apply the support I get right away... which might be the cause. I was certain that I built the relationship enough, because sometimes all it takes is a simple "how are you?" and actually care. I care! 

Caring, overthinking and analysing though, I am not sure those get me to the place I want to be. 

It's frustrating, but something to think about.

Let me just add a link: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/2013/12/18/how-to-be-assertive-not-pushy/