Getting out of the vicious circle

"If you feed the madness, it feeds on you" from the episode I JUST watched in Once Upon a Time

A few "bad" things (it's a matter of perspective, don't you think?) happened in a row and it snowballed: I lost control of myself then got into a doom & gloom mood for a couple of weeks, a "phase". In that phase, which I've had before a few times, I go down hard on myself, and then hate myself for everything I do. It's the harsh self-talk that goes on in my head when I'm not doing something fun. I do do fun things that make me temporarily happy and forget, which I think is part of the reason I get out of the negativity phase eventually, but they feel like escapes. Because when those fun things end, I go back to the black cloud mood where it's easy to be mad, it's easy to hate, it's easy to blame. 

I had this twice since I went to Open Heart in April 2014, and got out of it consciously, using the tools I got from the seminar. Because of that course, I'm aware and conscious. It sucks, but it's good at the same time because I know what I need to do. It sucks because it adds another reason to hate myself (therefore, vicious circle), but it's good because, as I ruin, blame, cry, get angry and wish bad things on people who didn't do anything, I also put time to exercise, do my written exercises that I learned from the seminar, take time to do breathing exercises, and meditations that inspire me, because I know those work. 

But man, is it hard to start, to put effort and be uncomfortable! But starting, well, that's non-optional for where I want to go!

I have motivation to find the happy version of me, it's really good, and I'm so thankful to have found a way to get there, even if I have to do it over and over .

People and sites I follow that inspire me:
http://instagram.com/maddykatelier
http://mindvalleyacademy.com/
http://cupcakesandcashmere.com/ (special mention for her newest post my-5-steps-for-tackling-anxiety)

October

I cannot believe it is already October, and I cannot believe I had forgotten about this blog for the last couple of months. I was reminded of it because it’s fall now, in full swing, with leaves turning yellow, orange, red and brown, falling away, and the cold it has brought in. I love fall! I remember that in fall of last year, I was giving out small gifts around the office and other places, inspired by Secret Agent L, and posting “you’re beautiful” notes, inspired by Operation Beautiful. As I signed up for Movember again, I remembered last year my post-its aimed at men. And I remember that although I’ve gone through a lot of emotional pain in the last year, my heart was in the right place a year ago. That person felt hope drift away for herself, but knew that spreading love to others would help mend her broken heart. The Me now loves herself a helluva lot more – anything is a helluva lot more than zero – and still wants to spread the love to others. I’m becoming the person I want to be. Love myself AND others. That’s what life is about!

And so, on that note, I'm setting up a to-do list for October. My inspiration comes from an old post by Emily Schumann of Cupcakes and Cashmere, one of my favorite blogs.

1. Bake 3 pumpkin recipes

2. Go Hiking

3. Drop anonymous gifts (Secret Agent L-style)

4. Recruit a friend to grow a stache and raise funds/awareness for Movember

5. Complete class Science of Happiness on edX.org 

7. Meditate to build intuition and to ground myself

8. Work out 3x / week to get fit for my Hawaii trip in December

9. Help host a fall party 

10. Practice gratitude by counting 3 good things every day

What's on your list this season?

1st Tip on Building Relationships

Hi there

My new interest is LinkedIn Updates, a sort of news feed with interesting articles. After posting a few shares with a small comment, hardly difficult, I was asked whether I wanted to join LinkedIn as a Publisher. Hmm, interesting. I don't know if I am good enough at writing to actually publish anything of value, and I would definitely want to post something of value if anything at all, but I added that feature to my profile nonetheless. 

Since my steps towards betterment with my personal development courses and home work, I felt a sort-of wave of understanding towards the people and world around me and an inspiration to motive those people to take similar steps or to simply be slightly happier or take steps to better themselves. In other words, I found a way to contribute to the world. 

It's important to have a reason to contribute, a darma, a personal life path/purpose, even if it's vague, or just a gut feeling. 

I don't know what I'd write about, I figure I'd use this blog as a way to collect my thoughts. Afterall, no readers, yet accessible. I want others to see that it's possible to have questions and be uncertain, and be all sorts of unhappy while also taking steps to find that happiness, take it back, choose it and work on yourself.

One thing I can think of right now is that to build a relationship with anyone, boss, friend, sister, coworker or anyone, it's important to be open and honest. It doesn't mean divulge all your deepest secrets, but it means, don't expect the truth and openness from the other person if you're not ready to give it out yourself. One coworker told me in an attempt to give advice, that being open at work is a sign of weakness. I used to believe that, so much that it ruled my entire life from day one to a few months ago. I still do unconsciously.... But boy is that wrong. 

No wonder I have had troubles building trusting relationships with my coworkers (I want to trust them to be honest and reasonable with me and anyone)! How could I expect them to open up and be real if I wouldn't let the real Karen out? 

Think about it, it starts with body language. You wouldn't approach someone who looks grumpy, but rather go to someone who seems happy or peaceful, for whatever reason. So, basically if you want anything from the other person, they have to first feel like they can get something from you - it's like a payment I guess, but it's true. First you open up - it's a risk, but it's worth it. You say "hi, how are you?" if they say "good, you?" you won't want to say anything more than "good" also. But if they build a story around how they're feeling, you're likely to give the same sort of response. 

So, that's something I would need to fix up a little before sharing........

Balanced Assertivity

I struggle with being the correct level of assertive. I am a push-over then I am pushy. I am working to eliminate the push-over side and it's working. Then I say one thing and I am pushy. 

What's pushy anyway? If you close up and shut down, you've been exposed to someone who is pushy. I think when Martine and Sylvain called me to do the Leadership program they were being pushy. 

But then I build the relationship with my mom, let her open up to me for a few weeks, ask her questions for introspection, but as soon as I talk about 'the course', it becomes pushy?!? How does one word change the conversation? How does it go from being open to being closed and I become shut out? Am i pushy or is she closed for support? Why is it too often?

But it's not just my mom. It's my mom, my sister and my boyfriend. Maybe more, but they're the ones who have said it. That means it's something I do. What do i do that makes people close up and shut down? 

You have to ask yourself: do I close up and shut down? am I afraid of support? Was it that I didn't build the relationship enough? Am I afraid of intimacy?

I think I am open to support. Probably too open. Though, I don't necessarily apply the support I get right away... which might be the cause. I was certain that I built the relationship enough, because sometimes all it takes is a simple "how are you?" and actually care. I care! 

Caring, overthinking and analysing though, I am not sure those get me to the place I want to be. 

It's frustrating, but something to think about.

Let me just add a link: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/2013/12/18/how-to-be-assertive-not-pushy/ 

Be happy now

I've been watching a lot of videos on MindValley's various websites, and here's one that I watched yesterday and it marked me more than the others: it's about gratitude. Instead of thinking along the lines of "I'll celebrate when I get a promotion" or "I'll be happy when I own a red camaro", instead of waiting two years to be happy (and in two years, you'll know you'll just have some other goal 2 years after that), instead of postponing happiness, you must take it now, choose happiness now, be happy with what you have now, because the present it all you have. 

Somehow all this I just wrote, I knew it before, I always knew it but it never really clicked until recently (a weekend seminar I took really did it for me), so I encourage you to keep learning and keep remembering it until it really clicks and it becomes easy to do. Keep trying, you'll get there, be confident in the process. You're on the right path.

So, back to that, the above concept is from this guy Dan Sullivan and his theory "the Gap". Here, watch this video from Mind Valley. 

The concept is to instead celebrate the you now compared to the you from two years ago. That's called Gratitude. And gratitude comes easily when you're on the right track (once it "clicks") but until then, practicing gratitude even if difficult at first will bring more gratitude easily into your life. That's happiness. Embrace it.

So, to finish, I want to add this "Happiness Challenge" image I found on Pinterest. It comes from this site. It's true, everyone's ultimate goal is happiness, but happiness is a feeling, a momentary emotion. Choose happiness today, and build it into your life using simple gratitude processes, such as those below.  



Good Luck!

Who am I?

I am generous
I am observant
I look out for people
I am curious
I want to learn
I am happy
I enjoy life, food, discoveries
I have an inner child
I am flexible
I respect myself
I am confident
I am creative
I am organized enough
I care for the environment
I am positive, optimistic
I trust easily
I am supportive & compassionate
I am sociable
I am intelligent
I give good advice
I am kind
I am funny and I have a sense of humor

What other people say:
I'm confident 
I try things 
I am daring 
When I choose to do something, I do it (no matter the after-thoughts...)
I don't need to ask permission
I'm a pro at desserts
I respect myself
I am loved
I'll be missed
I'm beautiful
I'm fun
I'm very friendly
I'm generous
I'm a giver

Tips to Love Yourself

1. Ask for a list of things people like about you (get it by email to keep)
2. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Be honest. if you have trouble, think about thinks you value in your friends and see if you've got that too. Write in a special notebook, a beautiful notebook. Read and repeat.
3. Make it part of your daily routine to praise something in yourself or think of something you like about yourself, or something you did to make others feel good. Praise as if you're a friend of yours.
4. Love yourself like you love a friend. Close your eyes. Think of someone you deeply love and trust and who you know loves you. Think of all the things you appreciate about them. Notice how love feels, how it feels good. Now be the friend, feeling love back at you. See yourself through gentle eyes, with compassion and love, the way your friend does. Receive that love, from your friend to you, feel the warmth move through you. remember how it feels. repeat.
5. Make a note everytime someone says something nice to you. Put these notes in a container 'good things about me'. Decorate it. Read & repeat. 
6. Have compassion for yourself: if you're feeling judgemental, try to get where it comes from, from deep down. fear? insecurity? past voice? listen to your feelings. Hug and reassure the kid inside you. Tell her you did nothing wrong, tell her you love her. As if you're your friend.
7. Recognize love comes from you, not from parents, but from you. You deserve it. You deserve love and acceptance. 
8. Use affirmations. Write, say strong loving things even if you don't fully believe. for example: "I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness", "I am a very loveable person", "I am kind, compassionate, intelligent and wise". Put affirmations up where you always see or touch (e.g. book), or both. Read them daily. Write love notes to yourself. Read them slowly and really feel it. 
9. Recognize self-criticism. Notice it, then ask your evil voice "why?" Remind yourself you no longer need to do that to survive. You're free to make up your own mind.
10. Counteract negative thoughts about yourself. Write down all the negative thoughts and messages in your head. Figure out who told you them first. Respond to them by counteract, as strong and loving as you can. Ask a deep/wise part inside you. Think about how your friend would say it. 
11. Do comforting and nurturing things for yourself. Feel good and feel how good you feel. You deserve it. Seek ways to feel good. 
12. Ask yourself what you need to do - trust your intuition.