1st Tip on Building Relationships

Hi there

My new interest is LinkedIn Updates, a sort of news feed with interesting articles. After posting a few shares with a small comment, hardly difficult, I was asked whether I wanted to join LinkedIn as a Publisher. Hmm, interesting. I don't know if I am good enough at writing to actually publish anything of value, and I would definitely want to post something of value if anything at all, but I added that feature to my profile nonetheless. 

Since my steps towards betterment with my personal development courses and home work, I felt a sort-of wave of understanding towards the people and world around me and an inspiration to motive those people to take similar steps or to simply be slightly happier or take steps to better themselves. In other words, I found a way to contribute to the world. 

It's important to have a reason to contribute, a darma, a personal life path/purpose, even if it's vague, or just a gut feeling. 

I don't know what I'd write about, I figure I'd use this blog as a way to collect my thoughts. Afterall, no readers, yet accessible. I want others to see that it's possible to have questions and be uncertain, and be all sorts of unhappy while also taking steps to find that happiness, take it back, choose it and work on yourself.

One thing I can think of right now is that to build a relationship with anyone, boss, friend, sister, coworker or anyone, it's important to be open and honest. It doesn't mean divulge all your deepest secrets, but it means, don't expect the truth and openness from the other person if you're not ready to give it out yourself. One coworker told me in an attempt to give advice, that being open at work is a sign of weakness. I used to believe that, so much that it ruled my entire life from day one to a few months ago. I still do unconsciously.... But boy is that wrong. 

No wonder I have had troubles building trusting relationships with my coworkers (I want to trust them to be honest and reasonable with me and anyone)! How could I expect them to open up and be real if I wouldn't let the real Karen out? 

Think about it, it starts with body language. You wouldn't approach someone who looks grumpy, but rather go to someone who seems happy or peaceful, for whatever reason. So, basically if you want anything from the other person, they have to first feel like they can get something from you - it's like a payment I guess, but it's true. First you open up - it's a risk, but it's worth it. You say "hi, how are you?" if they say "good, you?" you won't want to say anything more than "good" also. But if they build a story around how they're feeling, you're likely to give the same sort of response. 

So, that's something I would need to fix up a little before sharing........

Balanced Assertivity

I struggle with being the correct level of assertive. I am a push-over then I am pushy. I am working to eliminate the push-over side and it's working. Then I say one thing and I am pushy. 

What's pushy anyway? If you close up and shut down, you've been exposed to someone who is pushy. I think when Martine and Sylvain called me to do the Leadership program they were being pushy. 

But then I build the relationship with my mom, let her open up to me for a few weeks, ask her questions for introspection, but as soon as I talk about 'the course', it becomes pushy?!? How does one word change the conversation? How does it go from being open to being closed and I become shut out? Am i pushy or is she closed for support? Why is it too often?

But it's not just my mom. It's my mom, my sister and my boyfriend. Maybe more, but they're the ones who have said it. That means it's something I do. What do i do that makes people close up and shut down? 

You have to ask yourself: do I close up and shut down? am I afraid of support? Was it that I didn't build the relationship enough? Am I afraid of intimacy?

I think I am open to support. Probably too open. Though, I don't necessarily apply the support I get right away... which might be the cause. I was certain that I built the relationship enough, because sometimes all it takes is a simple "how are you?" and actually care. I care! 

Caring, overthinking and analysing though, I am not sure those get me to the place I want to be. 

It's frustrating, but something to think about.

Let me just add a link: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/2013/12/18/how-to-be-assertive-not-pushy/ 

Be happy now

I've been watching a lot of videos on MindValley's various websites, and here's one that I watched yesterday and it marked me more than the others: it's about gratitude. Instead of thinking along the lines of "I'll celebrate when I get a promotion" or "I'll be happy when I own a red camaro", instead of waiting two years to be happy (and in two years, you'll know you'll just have some other goal 2 years after that), instead of postponing happiness, you must take it now, choose happiness now, be happy with what you have now, because the present it all you have. 

Somehow all this I just wrote, I knew it before, I always knew it but it never really clicked until recently (a weekend seminar I took really did it for me), so I encourage you to keep learning and keep remembering it until it really clicks and it becomes easy to do. Keep trying, you'll get there, be confident in the process. You're on the right path.

So, back to that, the above concept is from this guy Dan Sullivan and his theory "the Gap". Here, watch this video from Mind Valley. 

The concept is to instead celebrate the you now compared to the you from two years ago. That's called Gratitude. And gratitude comes easily when you're on the right track (once it "clicks") but until then, practicing gratitude even if difficult at first will bring more gratitude easily into your life. That's happiness. Embrace it.

So, to finish, I want to add this "Happiness Challenge" image I found on Pinterest. It comes from this site. It's true, everyone's ultimate goal is happiness, but happiness is a feeling, a momentary emotion. Choose happiness today, and build it into your life using simple gratitude processes, such as those below.  



Good Luck!

Who am I?

I am generous
I am observant
I look out for people
I am curious
I want to learn
I am happy
I enjoy life, food, discoveries
I have an inner child
I am flexible
I respect myself
I am confident
I am creative
I am organized enough
I care for the environment
I am positive, optimistic
I trust easily
I am supportive & compassionate
I am sociable
I am intelligent
I give good advice
I am kind
I am funny and I have a sense of humor

What other people say:
I'm confident 
I try things 
I am daring 
When I choose to do something, I do it (no matter the after-thoughts...)
I don't need to ask permission
I'm a pro at desserts
I respect myself
I am loved
I'll be missed
I'm beautiful
I'm fun
I'm very friendly
I'm generous
I'm a giver

Tips to Love Yourself

1. Ask for a list of things people like about you (get it by email to keep)
2. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Be honest. if you have trouble, think about thinks you value in your friends and see if you've got that too. Write in a special notebook, a beautiful notebook. Read and repeat.
3. Make it part of your daily routine to praise something in yourself or think of something you like about yourself, or something you did to make others feel good. Praise as if you're a friend of yours.
4. Love yourself like you love a friend. Close your eyes. Think of someone you deeply love and trust and who you know loves you. Think of all the things you appreciate about them. Notice how love feels, how it feels good. Now be the friend, feeling love back at you. See yourself through gentle eyes, with compassion and love, the way your friend does. Receive that love, from your friend to you, feel the warmth move through you. remember how it feels. repeat.
5. Make a note everytime someone says something nice to you. Put these notes in a container 'good things about me'. Decorate it. Read & repeat. 
6. Have compassion for yourself: if you're feeling judgemental, try to get where it comes from, from deep down. fear? insecurity? past voice? listen to your feelings. Hug and reassure the kid inside you. Tell her you did nothing wrong, tell her you love her. As if you're your friend.
7. Recognize love comes from you, not from parents, but from you. You deserve it. You deserve love and acceptance. 
8. Use affirmations. Write, say strong loving things even if you don't fully believe. for example: "I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness", "I am a very loveable person", "I am kind, compassionate, intelligent and wise". Put affirmations up where you always see or touch (e.g. book), or both. Read them daily. Write love notes to yourself. Read them slowly and really feel it. 
9. Recognize self-criticism. Notice it, then ask your evil voice "why?" Remind yourself you no longer need to do that to survive. You're free to make up your own mind.
10. Counteract negative thoughts about yourself. Write down all the negative thoughts and messages in your head. Figure out who told you them first. Respond to them by counteract, as strong and loving as you can. Ask a deep/wise part inside you. Think about how your friend would say it. 
11. Do comforting and nurturing things for yourself. Feel good and feel how good you feel. You deserve it. Seek ways to feel good. 
12. Ask yourself what you need to do - trust your intuition.

The new boss in town: the Heart

Today I made a decision to review the Open Heart seminar. I totally didn't expect it! As most things... I have never really been prepared for things, and I certainly don't expect things to go bad when they are good. As Martine consoled me, as I cried that I was not good enough (untrue), or that I can't do it (untrue), that I haven't learned anything (super untrue), that I'm right back where I started 3 months ago (really untrue), that I had fears (ok that one's true) about being judged, being compared, losing approval, not caring about my money, anyway, as you can see, I have a lot of emotional things to settle, limiting behaviours to erase or unlearn, things to let go of, things to accept, such as me: accepting and forgiving myself... 

I am so aware of all this now! How did I not see it before?? It's like Martine put it (as she got it from Lyse), a story that depicts the mind vs. the heart: you own a Dep, but you've been away for 30 years, and you come back and it's a mess! the current manager (metaphor for "the mind") thinks it's got the situation handled, but the ways in which he works are totally opposite what you'd do. This manager sees his store as if it's running smoothly, and you can see now from an outer perspective, that you could be making a helluva lot more profit, by cleaning it up, changeing the management, changing the staff, changing the methods... it's still the same store, but with the heart in charge, man is it going to flourish!! And I guess the store is a metaphor for the body! Hehe, it's a nice story, huh?


So I'm going back to the seminar - to complete my Leadership Course. I'll get back and see it from a different perspective. And more importantly, I'm making a decision that puts my heart back in charge of the store. The mind can have its 9-5 desk job back, do the analysis, design and mathematics, and leave the other stuff for the new boss in town, the heart. My heart and my Self.

This is a beautiful end (of my Open Heart experience) to a beautiful beginning (that is my happy life).

The blog's first "What's So" : a Current-reality reality-check

Dear Internet,

I know I don't have readers, and actually this blog is actually my online diary. In a recent course that I did, last April 2014, I realized a lot of things about me, about my past, about my parents, and understood a lot about why I am the way I am, what I've been lugging around (behavioural patterns) and how I can clean myself right up to be this bright brand-spankin'-new me out in the world, as if for the first time. 

The point is not to heal by learning something new but by unlearning limiting behaviours... Something like that - I saw this quote on a site about meditation, that I really liked. This seminar that I did focused on psychological patterns that humans have, and looking into our parents identities to see if we have strings in common, then acquiring tools to allow us to deal with those things, and let the past go. Take a decision to be your own person now.

I know I've had issues being my own person in the last months....years...my whole life, really. I don't remember many times when I stood up in front of a crowd speaking my mind on my own free will, or when I stood up for myself after being made fun of or verbally agressed, or when I didn't let that shit fly before it even happened, or when I stood up for someone else without thinking of the consequences. Somewhere down the line, I lost my sense of self, and only now am I trying to get it back.

I probably lost never really had a sense of myself... In this culture, I don't think that mindfulness and body awareness are taught. At least, a few months ago, the only thing I was listening for in my body was hunger or need to use the bathroom. Kids are probably really aware of their body. I of course don't remember being a kid much, let alone being a baby, but I would think the whole reason a baby cries is because he's learning to be in his own body, learning to use it, learning to understand the world, learning and absorbing. I also read somewhere that kids have a really good understanding of whether they are hungry or thirsty, and that that ability is one you lose through the years. That article said that actually a lot of adults confuse them and eat when in fact they are hungry... I don't know how true that is, but I definitely know I can't really tell when I'm thirsty, and I definitely stopped paying attention to my body a long time ago. 

This TEDtalk video I watched the other day, about how education kills creativity - a must-watch, seriously... said at some point that a lot of those intellectual professors, etc, see their body as a way to get from A to B, something that carries their brain from seminar to seminar! Haha that's interesting imagery, but that's actually what I've been feeling like.... that is, being "in the head", analyzing every single situation, acquiring data, testing, analyzing, estimating, judging, watching, as if every situation is a scientific experiment. I've come to notice that I've got a lot of suppressed emotion - a direct result of over-analyzing situations instead of acting, but then also keeping emotions to myself, just because I've assumed, in my head, that the person I'm talking to doesn't really need to know what I have to say, or how I feel. I don't think I ever really learned how to express emotion and be proactive in tuning in to other people's emotions (ok that I can do), but actually being proactive about helping them out, asking what they need, instead of assuming the person will figure him/herself out. 

So, all that to say, that I've decided to stop over-analyzing my posts, to stop worrying about coming out with a structured post with not a lot of information for the small brains. I'm much better off writing this blog from the heart, and breathing and being present as I write this. I'm much better off speaking without barriers, because, to be honest, I've had barriers up my whole life and it's time to bring those down. 

So, maybe I'm going to be a bit, or a lot, all-over-the-place in this blog. Without really knowing what I'm going to write about until I get there. I am just listening to myself, to my feelings, and I'm leaving my "What's So", a current-reality check. And this is the new me. Say Hi!

Until next time,
Miss K